I like where this is going
For most of my adult life I have gone to bed at night wishing I had a different job, or different education, or that I had not made such-and-such decision. Or, I would look in the mirror and wish that I exercised and ate better. I would day dream about how life could be then go about my day lost in the routine and monotonous rhythm of the life of Sam. Never actually doing anything to change things.
As I approached my 40th birthday last October, however, something in my brain started to short circuit. I actually believe I had a nervous breakdown. I wish I could put into words how it felt, but the best way I can describe it is I felt as though nothing I said or did mattered and that the only option I had in life was to say, “yes dear,” to my partner and wait for him to tell me what to do and when to do it. I didn’t want to die, but I certainly didn’t care if I was alive or not.
It was that apathy towards my own existence that scared me. I was laying in bed wondering how I was going to live the next 40 years of my life. I thought about how in my early 20’s I thought I had wasted my life, and thrown eery opportunity away to become some sort of a successful person in life. For me, it seemed as though the future was a desolate and sad place. At 25 I had no future. At 30, at 35, at 38, I still felt as though I could never achieve anything. I spent most days wishing for something else, but rather than take action to be who and what I wanted to be I avoided it.
Why? Well, I allowed other peoples thoughts and feelings dictate my life and my life choices. I had spent most of my life trying to avoid upsetting a boyfriend, a room mate, or a family member. Every decision I made was with someone else in mind. Never for what I wanted to do or to be the person I wanted to be. After I turned 34 things started to get harder. The struggle between what I wanted and what everyone else thought I should want became a larger battle within. Then, I turned 40, and my brain short circuited.
I just lay in bed. I said I didn’t feel well, and I stared out the window, the hum of the fan my only comfort. How could I tell another human that I felt as though I was going crazy? What would my partner think if I broke down in tears in front of him? And who the hell was I anyway? What did I have that was worth crying over? Who was I? Where was I? Why did any of that even matter?
Some of these thoughts and feelings were certainly the result of losing the majority of my testosterone. Some of it, though, has been the result of denying myself my truth for so many years. Lord, looking back now I can see that I literally wasted 40 years wishing my life away, completely missing out on any opportunity to have something different, something better, but over the past 3 months things have begun to change.
Things have begun to change
As my testosterone levels have begun to increase I feel like my crazy levels have begun to decrease. It makes me wonder just how long I was out of balance, but that is something to think about another time. What I have experienced is a complete change in how I think and what I think about. I am no longer focusing on what could have been, and the "shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” that were such a part of how I thought and I have instead begun taking action to fix all the things that have become unacceptable to me.
In a recent post I wrote that 2019 is going to be a huge year for me. And, it is. It is going to take some work, and probably means I am going to be working a couple jobs at a time, but there are some changes I am committed to making.
By the end of the year I will
Be out of Credit Card debt (no matter what it takes)
I will have a different job/position that provides me the lifestyle I have been working to create
I will not have this “dad bod” that I find disgusting. (Ill have abs and the love handles will be gone!)
There are three goals that I have set for myself to accomplish., and, for as long as I can keep paying for this site, SWesley.com is going to document it all. Im no longer going to be writing about wishes, I am going to be documenting the how I am doing it.
I am changing my life, no matter what. 2019 is the year I am true to myself, and the year I find my happy.