The Middle

Free to make bad choices

 
 
 

In 1996, I set off to chase the dream of becoming a great singer. I had dreams of Broadway! More than that, I wanted to finally figure out who the hell I was and find a place to fit in. 

So, off to college I went. 

Soon, however, my urge to fit in began to overpower my dreams. Fitting in was easier after about 40 ounces of BudLight, or any alcohol. 

School became a party. A very expensive one. Seeking acceptance was the only thing on my mind. It is what drove me. The thing is, I forget to accept myself. 

Drowning in alcohol, shame, and a fear that I really was going to burn in hell for all time, I quit school, I moved to Ohio, somehow thinking some time away from campus would help me figure things out. 

 

My semester off turned into two and then three. Before I knew it, school was a thing I began to wish I had finished. The drinking was accompanied by a lot of pot smoking, cocaine, ecstasy, and most any other drug that seemed fun at the time. 

Life was still a party. I was living the life of a rockstar! Somehow I guessed the fame would follow. Still, I was searching for acceptance from those around me. And as I tried to become what I thought they wanted me to be, the more I lost myself. 

Nearly a decade passed. The nights at the club became nights at home on the couch. I'd gone from evenings with friends to evenings with only me. I guess the good news was I no longer drank to try to fit in. No, I was only drinking now because I needed to pass out as quickly as possible. The faster I passed out the less time I had to pretend my life was ok. The less time I had to think about how lonely I had become. 

My journey to fit in brought me to the loneliest place I'd ever been. 

A bried history:My journey to fit in brought me to the lonliest place I'd ever been